009: Boundaries - What Are They, And Why Are They So Important?
In this episode we'll go deep on boundaries to get you ready to write your own in episode 10. I'll share my favorite definition of boundaries with you, and we'll go over some of the most critical reasons to set and stick to your boundaries. We'll also talk about why boundaries are so hard to stick to, and cover some great tips for saying "no."
You are valuable and worthy of creating your best life, and it's DEFINITELY going to take some serious boundaries to get you there. You've totally got this!
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Hi, my name is Katy Blommer and my passion is helping women learn how to put themselves first, I learned all the tools for success on my own 12 year journey that has led me to finally figuring out how to live my best life. My journey included overcoming body image issues, and yo yo dieting, climbing the corporate ladder to a multiple six figure career, navigating mom guilt through a 60 hour workweek turning around marriage issues and much more. Now, I'm truly living my best life. And I've pretty much become obsessed with teaching others my tried and true methods for creating balance, maintaining healthy habits, improving your relationship, career development, and how to stop tying your value and worth, to the way you look and how you serve others. I'm so passionate about helping others learn this, that I created the working mom happiness method to help you get there too. So if you're ready to learn how to live your best life, pull up a chair or put on your walking shoes and get ready to dive in. This is the working mom happiness method podcast.
Hi, and welcome to Episode Nine of the working mom happiness method Podcast. I'm
Katy Blommer. And I'm so excited because this is the beginning of module three of the working mom happiness method. And Module three is all about boundaries. So today we're going to do a boundaries overview. And then in our next episode, we're actually going to go into some exercises to help you define some boundaries to get you closer to living your best life. Okay, so today's episode is really just a sit back and listen or go for a walk. Or if you're driving somewhere, it's perfect. Because we're just going to kind of go over and learn and talk about boundaries. And then in the next episode, you'll want to have something ready where you can write down some ideas and some boundaries for yourself as we go through the exercises. And I prompt you to pause and we'll do that. So alright, let's just go ahead and jump in what we're going to cover in today's episode, we're going to talk about what is the definition of boundaries? Why are they so important? Why are they so difficult to set and to stick with? And some tips for saying no. So let's jump in with the definition of boundaries. And this is not my personal definition, I just, it's just a definition that I found online that I really like. So I'm going to read it and then let's talk about it. personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we established to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are and what we think and feel from the thoughts and feelings of others. I just feel like that definition is so powerful. And I want to break it down into the first part and then the second part and talk through each. So it's really so important where it says they are the emotional and mental limits we established to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used or violated by others. This really actually happens. I know that sounds pretty dramatic when you hear it said that way. But this is actually why we're so exhausted all the time, because we never say no. And we're literally getting manipulated, used and violated by others. Now, this doesn't mean that people in our lives are doing this on purpose or doing it maliciously. They don't want to manipulate or use or violate us. But when we do not value ourselves enough to say no. And we're going to talk about why saying no is so hard. There are a lot of reasons. We are allowing ourselves to be manipulated, used and violated by others. And especially at work, when you are a really high performer at work, and you are a yes person and you get things done. You become the go to person for everything, right? I'm sure as I'm saying that you're thinking, yep, that's happened to me. And maybe it's not even at work. It's probably at other parts of your life too. Because it really happens all over our lives when we're skilled in one area, or we're a high performer at work. And we've said Yes, before word spreads and everyone starts coming to us, and especially in the corporate world. That is that becomes you get a lot of positive reinforcement for that right? A lot of positive reinforcement, whether it's feedback from your leader or from other leaders, right about how great you're doing, but how great you are at your job or whether it's within your rating at work or you're you get a raise or a salary increase. We're praised by that. And then we start to associate our value and worth with that and then we think it's a good thing, but really, it's sucking the life out of us and sucking the energy out of us, and we're exhausted. And we're not seeing our family enough. And we're really not in a lot of cases, living our life and spending our time in ways that are aligned with our values when we're doing all the things for everyone else at work. And you can replace at work with lots of other areas of your life where this might be happening to you as well. And so this all comes down to being brave enough to start to say no, and to start to delink, some of our value and our worth, from doing those things are performing well at work, right. And we have a whole nother section of the podcast that gets into career development and how to unravel some some of these things. And it's coming, it's coming in module four, later on. But I really want you to think about that. Where in your life, are you allowing others to manipulate us or violate you? And I'm not saying anything against them, right? This is not about them. They're not doing that maliciously. It's, it's happening to you, because you're saying yes, to all the things to too many things. Okay. Now, let's talk about the second part of this definition. They meaning boundaries, allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel from the thoughts and feelings of others. This is so important, and really so deep. Because we are not responsible for the feelings of others. And when I see that, it sounds like I'm stating the obvious, right? We can all hear that and think well, yeah, I'm not responsible for the thoughts and feelings of others. But when we're saying yes, all the time, and when it's so hard for us to say no, that's really what's going on is we actually do think we are responsible for the thoughts and feelings of others. When the reality is, it is 100% absolutely okay for you to upset someone you love and care about if your intention is to take care of yourself. Okay? Let's say that again, it is absolutely okay for you to upset someone you care about. If your intention is to take care of yourself. And that is boundaries 101 If we don't start to believe that it's going to be really, really difficult for us to say no.
The reality is, a lot of times when we say no, we think we're going to upset somebody, but we're not, we're not going they don't even care that much. We just think they do because we've got our value and worth all wrapped up in their thoughts and feelings. And we really do deep down believe that we have control over their thoughts and feelings. And that's what we have to deprogram in our subconscious minds, right. And we're going to talk a little bit about that later, too, in this episode. But having boundaries allows us to start to separate to detach from the people in our lives, who we really think that we can't disappoint or we can't let down or that we are responsible for how they for their thoughts and their feelings on a daily basis. So this could be somebody in your family, this could be a leader at work, or people around you at work, right? That we think if we perform poorly, or say no to something that it will ruin our reputation, or what they think of us or that it will hurt someone we love, we really have to start D linking, that we are responsible for those types of things. Okay. So really, really important as we start to unravel all of this stuff. Let's talk a little bit about why boundaries are so important. And in order to do that, I want to talk about what happens when we don't have boundaries, because that will really help bring to light, why they're so important. The first one is exhaustion. When we say yes to everything, we're exhausted, right? I mean, I know that's stating the obvious, but that's what we do, right? Saying yes to everything is the same as not having boundaries, boundaries are all about saying no to things that don't align with the values and goals that you defined in modules one and two. Okay. So just straight up, quite frankly, not having boundaries is why you're feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. There might be some other reasons mixed in there. But it's a huge part of why you're feeling that way. The lack of boundaries leads to resentment and less connection in relationships. Okay, this one might not be as obvious but let's dive into it and talk through why it's very real. Because when you have that one person in your life or multiple people in your life who are always asking you to do things for them, this could be your job. This could be family member, friend, whatever kids, your kids. In we constantly say yes, when we're exhausted, we end up resenting that person and resentments. I mean, I know this is stating the obvious resentments aren't good for connection and relationships. So so this could be your spouse. Are you doing everything around the house? Your spouse is doing nothing. Because if your spouse is a male, chances are he watched his father doing not as many things around the household of us, he watched his mother. And even if he's such a great guy, he's probably not doing as much as you are. At least that's the case. And I know I'm stereotyping there. But that's the case in the majority of the women who I've worked with. And it was the case in my relationship as well before we worked on this, and that causes resentment. So this lack of boundaries, lack of valuing ourselves enough to say, no, it causes resentment, and it lowers connection in our relationships, that is very, very real. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but saying no, and standing up for yourself will actually create more connection, in your relationships in your life, with friends, family, at work with your spouse with your kids, they will actually create more connection in your life. And that might sound so crazy and Farfetch to you. But I promise I've done it, I went from not having boundaries to having boundaries, and my relationships are so much better, because I'm taking care of myself and the cliches are true. We have to take care of ourselves to put ourselves first to be a good, you know, insert statement here, wife, mother, be good at our job, right? The whole list of things, you have to take care of yourself. First, the cliche is really true. The next thing that a lack of boundaries will impact is our self esteem. And this is a really interesting one because it feels good to say yes to people, right, we get kind of an immediate,
a dopamine, dopamine hit, or serotonin hit, you know, the feel good chemicals, when we can help somebody out a lot of us, right, not everybody. But if you're more on like the people pleasing end of the spectrum, and if you are completely overwhelmed and exhausted, without without boundaries, you probably are more on the end of the people pleasing spectrum. And you do get a little high from helping people out. But then when you say yes to all the things, you're exhausted, and you're overwhelmed, and that means you're not treating yourself well. And it eats away at our self esteem when we don't treat ourselves well being when we don't treat ourselves well. Because it tells our subconscious mind that we're not worth it, we're not worth standing up for ourselves and saying no. And that just furthers that subconscious programming that we've talked about in previous episodes, to feel negative about who we are. And when we feel negative about who we are, we're a lot less likely to have high self esteem and take care of ourselves and put ourselves first, okay. Lack of boundaries will also lead to a lower quality of work. And you define work however you want to it could be at your, in your job, it could be around the house, it could be whatever you consider to be work that's important to you. And it's just for the obvious fact that when we say no or we to say yes to so many things, the quality of what we're working on goes down, right, you're gonna have a lot higher quality, if you can reduce what you're working on down to the most important and highest priority things and not spread yourself super thin. So your quality of work will go up. And at work that can help eliminate the fears of ruining your reputation or your brand. If you say no, because when you stop saying yes to all the things your quality is going to go up your confidence because it's going to go up and I promise you that will get you noticed at work. Okay? It leads to not enough hours in the day. Now this is related to exhaustion, but this is also related to not having time for yourself. When you say yes to all the things, you start to feel like there aren't enough hours in the day, we all have the same 24 hours in the day, right? It's just that certain people are better at structuring those hours in a way that aligns with their values and their goals and then saying no to everything else. And those are the most successful people. The most successful people are not the one saying yes to everything. The most successful people are the ones who value themselves enough to use those hours wisely, and put their non negotiables on the top of the list. Okay, and we're going to talk about that. I think we're talking about non negotiables for boundaries in the next episode. But that's really what it's all about, and what living your best life is all about is how do you use those 24 hours in the day? And how can you switch your subconscious to believe that you are worth putting yourself first and taking care of you first before everyone else? And we've talked about a lot of those tips for reprogramming the subconscious. In previous episodes, we'll continue to do that. Okay. And setting boundaries is one of the ways that we'll continue to help that. Alright, it causes higher stress. Now we know that stating the obvious when we don't have boundaries, and we're doing all the things we feel stressed. Why does that matter? Well, that matters because of our health. That sends stress hormones through our body, not good for our health in all the ways right and it's just a way that bouton a lack of boundaries impacts our health negatively. It results lack of boundaries results in valuable time lost working towards our values and goals. So it's the same thing with those 24 hours in the day, if you're saying yes to a bunch of things just to please people and just or to not upset people you care about, you're going to have less hours in the day to work on your goals, and your values that are going to take you closer to living your best life. Okay, and then it also results in an inability to maintain healthy habits, same thing related to those 24 hours in the day, okay, we have to protect that time. Like it's sacred, because it is sacred. If you are serious about living your best life, about living your best and happiest life, we have to say no to things that keep us from our healthy habits. Okay, and this is huge. And what we're going to do in the next episode, is we're going to sit down and say, We're gonna look at our list of goals, which you you, you already have healthy habits as part of goals on your goals document. And you're going to say, what are the things that get in my way of achieving these and we're going to set boundaries very specific to those, we'll talk about that. As we get later on into into this Module Three about boundaries, but life changing, life changing when you set boundaries to ensure you can hit those goals, especially as it relates to maintaining consistent healthy habits, okay. Let's talk about why boundaries are so hard.
A couple of reasons. The first, the fear of missing out or fear of letting someone down. Okay, so those are two different things, right. FOMO is very real for a lot of us. And what tends to happen, one of the examples I like to use about this is the lack of boundary of a bedtime, right? So classic, we've all felt this way where you do all the things for everyone else throughout the day. And finally, everything's quiet at your house, everyone's taking care of you lay down in your bed, and it's your time, it's me time, I can do whatever I want. Now, nobody needs me, right, we've all felt that amazing feeling. And then what happens is, by that time, it's probably 9pm, or 9:30pm. And really, what you should be doing is winding down to go to sleep, if you want to wake up early the next morning to get your healthy habits or your morning routine going. Maybe Maybe get some exercise in or whatever it is, you know, you ideally would do in the morning if you wake up before your kids. But instead of doing that, you stay up for three more hours. Because it's the only time you feel like you have to yourself to watch your show or do whatever it is you want to do Scroll, scroll social media. And there's nothing wrong with doing that for a short amount of time. But if you do it too long, then you start to encroach on one of the most important things in the non negotiable items for healthy habits. And that is getting enough sleep, right? No, you have felt exactly what I'm talking before. Exactly what I'm talking about before, so you know what this means. And so the key here, you know, how you fix this cycle that we've all been in before, is with boundaries, you have to value yourself enough to carve out some time for yourself in the middle of the day. Dun dun dun I know that sounds terrifying, right? Or like impossible. But it takes radical self care, it takes us radically putting ourselves first and I hate that we even have to call it radical. Because I'll tell you what guys do this all the time. very naturally, they do it all the time. I I mean, I can remember, you know, pre the pandemic that we're in right now, when my husband and I were both working in the office, it was like I would walk in from work. And, you know, my first thing would be looking around, okay, what do I need to do? Do I need to clean up? Do I need to get dinner? What do the kids need, you know, blah, blah, blah, on and on? What do I need to be doing? And he would walk in from work and just go get his guitar and start playing his guitar? Cuz that was like his unwind from work time. Right, that he wouldn't have a thought in his mind what needs to be done. And you know, a lot of you are probably thinking, oh, yeah, like, that's, that's my husband too. And it bugs me so much. Well, the reality is, we need to start being more like them, we need to do that is radical self care for them. It's not radical, but for us it is, unfortunately, we've got to change this. We've got to change this notion in society that that's radical self care for a woman to just walk in and do whatever she wants, right. And we're going to talk a little bit more about this concept because there's a lot that goes into that that could be a whole episode on its own, on how to actually make that happen. Because I know what you're thinking you're thinking well then who is going to make the dinner and who is going to watch the kids when I get home? And you know, there are a lot of logistics involved in that. And the radical part means you ask for help. Okay, so this whole boundary around this fear of missing out so fear of missing out on me time at night, you got to create me time during the day in order to do that you got to get crazy and ask for help or pay for help or take your full hour lunch at work and heaven forbid leave you know, leave your desk and do what it is you want to do during that time versus when it's encroaching on your very important bedtime, so you can get sleep. Okay? So that's that is one is the fear of missing out the fear of letting someone down. Okay, we mentioned this before it is okay to upset someone you care about or love. If your intention is to take care of yourself in a healthy way. It is 100%. Okay, and is it scary? Yeah, it's scary. But exposure therapy is very real here, the more you try it, and the more you do it, the easier and the easier it'll get. And that might be, you know, a year long or a two year long journey for you or or longer, I still have things come up when I'm resting, and my husband is doing laundry that happens, you know, actually pretty often, and I have a guilty feeling that creeps up because, you know, my boundary is that I'm taking some rest, and he's there doing the laundry. And I think, oh, I should be helping him, Oh, I can't believe he's doing that, well, I'm just sitting here resting? Well, it's okay to upset someone I care about if my intention is to take care of myself and avoid burnout and be a better mom and be healthier, right? It's okay that I've set that boundary that that's my rest time. And, you know, sometimes that helps for me to even check in with him and ask if he's feeling resentful of me, because I'm just laying there while he's doing the laundry. So that's one of the little tips and tricks. And we'll talk about that more when we get into the relationships part of the program. But I know it's scary to let somebody down. But this is your permission. It is it is okay. You are not responsible for their thoughts or their feelings. And we're going to talk about another tip on that in just a minute. Number two, a fear that saying no will hurt your brand, or your rep or your reputation. We talked about this.
We talked about this a little bit just a few minutes ago, where when we start saying yes to all the things we spread ourselves so thin that we're exhausted, and I promise you that is not sustainable. So even if you are capable of the ultimate multitasking, which a lot of us truly are, it's not sustainable, it will lead to burnout, it will lead to something missed somewhere it will lead to lower quality work and who knows what you're capable of. If you started saying no, when you just had some white space or some just time to sit and think and strategize at your job, you the ideas you might come up with could be incredibly impactful to your company. But you don't even have time to be creative in that way. Because you're saying yes to everything. And you're constantly working, right. So I promise that if you start to set healthy boundaries, you're going to come across as more confident at your job, you're going to have more creative time to think of better ideas that are more impactful to your company, you're going to feel better, which is going to bring a better energy and attitude to work and those around you. It's a game changer. I've done this, I used to be that person who said yes to everything. And I was the go to person that everyone came to. And now I've implemented some hardcore boundaries at work. And I'm going to tell you a little bit about those in the next episode. But it's just, I mean, not only have I, you know, been promoted, and I make more money since I've done that. My life is just better all around. And so I'm better at my job. It's very real. It's scary, but it's very real, I promise. Okay, the third reason why boundaries are so hard is it's a lot of times we feel it's less stressful to say yes, than to say no. Okay, in the moment, it's a lot easier to tell somebody Yes, than it is to tell somebody No, right. I know, that's pretty obvious. So this is another one where I'm going to give you some some tips and tricks in just a second. But this is another one where exposure therapy really helps. We're just trying it in little ways to start out taking baby steps can make it less scary. And easier. We're going to talk about that in just a sec. Number four on wire boundaries so hard is that we have this social conditioning related to our value being tied up and how much we do for people and or taking care of people. And the reality is your value and your worth has absolutely nothing to do with how you serve those around you. Okay, your value and your worth in this world has been with you since you were born. That hasn't changed. And when you were a baby, I promise you weren't serving those around you. They were serving you, right. And that's still the case today. The people you love in your life, they love you just because of who you are. So remember the exercise we did a few episodes ago, you know where you envisioned yourself as somebody who all you could do is lay in bed. Everyone in your life still loves you and they still care about you. Okay, so your value is not tied to doing all the things for others and saying yes to others and remember, it will deepen and strengthen those relations. friendships if you can set healthy boundaries, okay? And sometimes people don't respect those boundaries. And that might mean distance from those people. So so the relationships you're meant to have in your life will strengthen because of boundaries. And you'll be able to more easily identify the relationships that you're not meant to have in your life because those people won't respect your boundaries. Okay? And in some cases, that could mean something as extreme as leaving your job for a different job or a different company. Okay. Alright, let's talk about some of the tips for saying no.
So if we want to baby step into saying, No, we can just start with buying ourselves some time whenever possible. So anytime anybody asks you to do something, I want you to pause. Okay, I just want you to have just a split second of awareness in that moment. And I never want you to say yes, right away, I never want you to say yes, I know that sounds like extreme. You're going to work your way into this, you're gonna baby step into it, I want you to say, let me check my calendar and get back to you. Okay. You could even say if it makes you feel more comfortable, oh, that sounds fun. Let me check my calendar and get back to you. Oh, that sounds fun. Let me check with you could say, let me check with my spouse before and get back to you, you can come up with something that feels comfortable for you. But let me check with x. And I'll get back to you start to condition yourself for that to be your standard response on everything. Because then you can take a step back, and you can really let it sink in. Does that feel energizing to me? Or does that feel draining to me? Do I want to spend my time with that person? does it align with my values and goals this week right now? What else do I have on my plate this week? How am I going to feel on the day of this thing that I said that they're asking me about. So just take that step back and start to make that your default, that's a really great one to just baby step into. And then make those decisions after you have a little bit time to let it sink in. And really understand how you feel about whatever it is you've been asked to do. And this counts at work. Even if your boss asks you to do something. If it's you know, in a meeting, if it's real time, it's not an email where you have time to think about it or a message you're actually speaking, just say, Okay, I understand, let me just take a look at what's on my plate and then get back to you. That's perfectly fine. I'm a leader of a very large team, and I would be perfectly fine. In fact, I would think that person was a rock star. If they said that to me, it'd be like, wow, this person really has their stuff together, this person is going to go back, look what else is on their plate. And then if they have too much, we're going to have a priorities conversation. And I that's what I want people to do on my team. Okay. All right. Next tip is checking with your goals and values and see where it falls on the list. What higher priorities are you sacrificing, right? Because we created our values in module one in priority order? So if you say yes to this, what higher priority value are you going to be sacrificing in order to do this, that values list is excellent at deciding what you should say yes to and what you should say no to and where you should spend your time. Okay, the next tip is, you're saying no to the thing, not the person, it's not a personal rejection, you're just taking care of you, which is not only okay, but it is so healthy. I know. I'm like a broken record talking about it's okay to upset somebody else. If your intention is to take care of you. And but it's not a personal rejection. Actually, in some cases, that might be if there's a person who you really don't like or they're toxic. You definitely should be saying no to them. And those people can actually be some of the hardest to say no to and in that case, it might be personal. And guess what, that's okay, too. But the majority of time, the majority of the time when we're faced with something we we should say yes or no to, it's theirs. It's not personal. It's just about us and our energy and what we're capable of how much we have on our plate and what we have going on how busy we are, versus it being anything to do with that person. And I find sometimes if I remind myself that it makes it, it just takes the edge off a little bit of saying no.
The next tip is, I want you to think about it as if if the person you're saying no to is someone you truly value and want in your life, they'll understand even if it disappoints them a bit. Okay, we've all had this happen. We've all had, you know, a really good friend or you know, our spouse or a family member who we've really wanted them to do something for us or with us or you know, whatever scenario you can think of, and they've said no, and it has hurt our feelings a little bit. We have right we've all had that happen where our feelings have been hurt because somebody said no. But if we think back on how that went, if we really love and care about that person, it didn't damage our relationship. Right? It just sort of hurt our feelings in the moment and then maybe we had a conversation with that person or maybe we didn't maybe we just kind of worked past it on our own. If that person is somebody we truly love and care about we forgive Have them for that. And we want them to take care of themselves. And that's how people feel about us. That's how your people feel about you, ultimately. Okay. So that's kind of like reversing the roles is a tip I like to use on a lot of things, but especially with saying no. So, if somebody asks me to do something, and I maybe really don't want to do it, or I can't do it, or for whatever reason, I need to say, No, I always try to reverse the roles, okay, if this person was saying no to me, how would I feel about them? And the majority of the time was, I be like, Yeah, it's fine. But I mean, like, I don't have that strong feelings. This person said no to this thing, right? That we tend to think when we say no, people are going to just have all of these super strong feelings about us and are not going to like us. And you know, our minds really do spiral in those ways in a negative way, because we're so hard on ourselves, because society has taught us to wrap up our value and our worth and what people think of us and what we do for others. Okay. So those are just some tips that I love for saying no to think about. Okay, so that is pretty much what I wanted to cover in this episode. I know it's a lot of information, but hopefully some of that stuff sunk in and it will sit with you and you can try some of these things. Let's just do a quick recap of the most important points before we close out. So lack of boundaries leads to exhaustion, resentment, lower self esteem, reduced quality of work, and being less healthy overall. So these things are so important. Sometimes it's worth missing out on something to protect our energy, which in the end equals protecting our health, okay? It's okay to disappoint or let someone down in order to take care of yourself. I know I've said that probably 55 times in this episode, and I'm going to continue to say it throughout the rest of the podcasts. So get excited. It really is okay, though, even though it feels more stressful to say no, in the moment, overall, it will greatly reduce the stress in your life. You do not have to take care of others to be valuable in life. All right. Okay, good. So hopefully, that's, you know, some new information for you on boundaries, I hope you really take it to heart and let it sink in. In the next episode, we're going to go through some exercises to start helping you list out some of your boundaries that you're going to add to your best life master plan document. Okay, so thanks for listening. As always, if you're getting value out of the podcast, it would mean so much to me, if you would go and leave a positive review, the more reviews the podcast gets, the more the algorithms show the podcast to other people who are out searching for podcasts. And my whole mission with this is to share this information to as many women as possible because I know I'm cheesy, but I really mean it. I want to change the world. I really, really am so passionate about teaching women and girls, that our value has nothing to do with the way we look or how we serve all those around us that is kind of the foundation of this program. But I'm so passionate about sharing all this because it changed my life. And if you leave a review or you like or subscribe or follow, it helps more people see just the podcasts and this free information that I'm putting out there so it would be very much appreciated. Okay, thanks for listening, and I'll talk to you in the next episode.
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